It's all in my head...

So I had a dream last night, which in itself isnt that unusual, I dream nearly every night. But this dream sticks out because it is one I have been having in one capacity or another since I was about 8 or 9. The basic parts of the dream hold constant, only certain elements change. I actually remember very clearly the first time I had it. And what is so odd about this dream is that in times when I am stressed out or going through heavy circumstances I dont remember having it, but when things are good, or I had a good day the day before It is almost certain to come. And really I had consciously forgot about having this dream, because it had been a long long time, im tlaking like at least a year, since the last one. and shit has really sucked lately, divorce, work, school, kids etc etc. but yesterday was a good day, and last night was a good night, so I guess it was time for it to sneak back in. So there are always ALWAYS severe weather circumstances, and I am always in a car, either driving or passenger. So other cars are just passing constantly, dangerously, in the white out snow conditions/tornado strength winds/rain and hail but my car is always going slow, and here I am about to nod off, im extrememly sleepy but I know I cant fall asleep so I force my eyes open and suddenly I see something moving out of the corner of my eye on the side of the road, like a small animal or something but hard to tell cause the weather is just awful and passing cars and semi-trucks keep spraying shit all over my window, then right as I get up to it I realize its a kid! In the middle of no where, and I can feel my heart racing at this point my eyes scanning every direction looking for a house, a car wrecked on the side of the road, anything... and so at this point the dream changes a bit here and there, when I was a kid I remember the desperate feeling of convincing the driver, who i never actually saw, to stop the car, and of course if i was the driver, trying to slow down and get over to the other lane and stop without endangering this kid, so either way I get out of the car. I sprint toward the kid who is just running full blast away from me and wont stop as I am yelling, and this kid, who is in every instance either completely or nearly naked, can only be like 2 and a half maybe 3 years old. So I finally catch up to him and scoop him up wrapping him in whatever coat or whatever i have on and run back to the car, I call or someone calls 911. As soon as I get in the car I also start looking all over checking his arms, hands feet, legs etc to see if there are any obvious injuries but never really look at his face, idk why i just dont. emergency personnel cant for some reason immediately make it out to where we are so we (or I) start heading toward some sort of establishment, in the last dream it was the fort richardson entrance on the glen, make it to where there are other people and hand off the kid, this whole part goes by rather quickly so almost immediately I am back in my car pulling out and finally the kid looks up from the arms of whoever as i am driving away and just gives me this look of complete and utter dispair, to the point where 90% of the time I wake up crying and just destroyed inside, I feel helpless and I never get past that point. the look in this kids eyes...
So what in the world does it mean? I have never went through and tried to examine it before but, idk, last night I woke up scared as well. and to top it off had a seriously shitty day afterwards.

Not sure why everything
seems so complicated after all
everything that has come
to pass has been on my  own
understanding of possible misfortune
and if i was able to blindly go back
would anything have come out differently
surely not, especially since I am prone
to making terrible decisions
when put into a tight corner,
especially when put in a tight corner.
It seems as though really
all I want is for someone to take me
and hold me and tell me
everything will be beautiful tomorrow,
don’t worry about the minuscule
pieces of broken things crawling 
so many bugs wallowing
in the filth of your broken life,
remember I am here for you
and my shoulder is your shoulder.
I just want the world to be possible
in each others arms
and to be able to be comfortable
in my own skin as I am
in your over-sized sweater.

Well..here it is again.. the day itself to me means i get to sit around and enjoy myself, and not worry too much about the dishes, laundry or other things i would normally feel obligated to do on my day off.. So, here I am, the kids are playing in the other room, getting along happily, while i sit here in my room trying to figure out what it is i want.  I have started getting into some RPing on SL. It is fun and you can get away with pretty much anything, play without feelings you know, make up a story and flow with it. I just started to realize i was capable of that. seems to me that anytime I tried to talk to or get close to anyone in my life it would always be a vulnerability issue. It is why, in my opinion, I dont keep in contact with friends, I only talk to my mom out of necessity and I dont go actively looking for relationships. Problem is i dont actually like the way i am... Has it really saved me from anything? I am not happy.. generally speaking, though i have fleeting moments of it, I can also be content.. just okay.. but most often i am a big mess, I hate myself, I am disgusted with my body, I hate that i lack something in myself to tell ppl what i really think of them, and i really wish i was able to just put up a block to keep other people from causing me to hate myself even more. I think that if it werent for my children.. I prob would have no reason to be here anymore..take that as you will..
Hey look..You can see the bottom from here...
 

 OMG!!! I just don't know anymore. Well honestly i never did know, but had decided to not care anymore what anything involving you means. Until today of course, when out of freakin nowhere you IM me, "hey there", like, what, all of a sudden you want to know how im doing? how many times i send you a little IM, to say hi, or ask about something and nothing, nothing for a long time! I gave up, i messaged you one last time, to apologize for whatever it was that changed you mind about me, and now this. Your an idiot, don't you realize i think about you everyday? what the hell kind of fucked up game is this? Just let it be what it is, what it was. thats what you should have done, before you got all serious and made up your mind that if it was taken away it would cease to exist, and then you wouldnt have to overanalyze what all of it meant. Maybe I am expecting too much, everyone needs someone to lean on, and maybe we were venturing into that dangerous territory of needing each other more then we could afford to. I have nothing left now but vulnerability. My heart skipped, and before i could even fully feel the overwhelming gladness when i read your message, it had already turned into this dark and scary and terribly sad dispair...this was just a moment, and in another moment, all that would be left of the encounter would be loneliness. T=lost

I will never be the girl you write poetry about :(
I made a lot of sad faces today :(
:(
But I also made one :)
because i thought of you..
Then it changed into a :(

I should have known it was coming, I could feel you move away
Crazy thing is i thought about it too, just the other day
I said the words a thousand times to perfect them in my head
The hardest thing to hear from you were the words you never said

If by chance, I could let you know, how it is i feel 
You see, i knew, without you, my wounds would never heal
You warned me not to get too close, you would surely break my heart
A heart that has shattered many times, no longer tears apart 

Would it affect you to know
You exist to me when you're not around
I still feel you in my heart
And hear you in my soul

Your words follow my every action
And sometimes, I must pause
Then stumble awkwardly, realizing..
Words are only words after all.

The gentle caresses I visualize
I can feel...a breath, a moment
Strings of ideas wrap around a smile 
Coyly covering a crimson flush

I feel you out there, almost
Waves of euphoria brushing, barely
Fingertips are tingling and teasing
Leaving the rest unsatisfied

 

Lost, as usual. Im afraid this is the one thing i have always been dissappointed in myself about, i cant make decisions. Well, I can make some decisions, I cant make decisions when people are counting on me to know what the hell it is I want. I want to be content, I want as much happiness as is feasible, and i want to feel like i am being true to myself. Unfortunately, i have never been content, i wouldnt know where to begin testing the boundaries of happiness, but at least i can go into each day feeling as though i am me. I have been really focusing on that part lately. Somewhere along the way that became unimportant, and it is the seed that sprouted the depression and anxiety and all the negative actions that have been dragging me down. I cant keep my head down and continue to walk through life hoping that eventually all the happiness and contentment in the world will land at my feet. Apparently you have to aim for and work towards what you expect to get from life. It is figuring out what actions you have to take to get moving down that road i have to work on. Where do I start? Is it that I really need a fresh start or can it be possible that returning to the life and dreams i left can still bring me all i strive for? Can it be possible to love him and be loved by him and work past everything that has drivin us apart? We know why it hasnt worked before. We were both to blame. Will it always be a struggle? Can I be me with you? Or are you still hoping to convince me that I am only truely me when I am with you? WHO THE HELL AM I ANYWAY???

She wanders
from place to place
a zombie
a child
a woman's face
He begs of her
come back
to stay
yet she wanders
still today
and even though
It pains her
aches her
heart
to let him go
she understands
She knows
it wasnt right
will never be
She cant go back
she cannot see
why things turn out
come about
the way they do
and why it hurts
This love
so true
He loved her
held her
or so she thought
Thinking about it
she does a lot
but now
she sees a light
Saw it before
just not as bright
He crushed her
hurt her
and now shes gone
Now he sings
a sad love song
but he knows
he understands
her pain
He lost
he did not gain
He will never
play
this evil game
again
Two lives
two mids
apart
trying to find
a way to start.